Guest Dad: Mark DeGuilio

My name is Mark and I have been a single father for roughly 5 years.

There were stints, some longer than others.  I usually felt alone during those times so not much really changed.  This never stemmed from the detachment i always felt towards my son's mother or my on and off ability to commit to a relationship fully.  No.  This all comes from one place that i guess is best to bring up right away so you can understand why i say the things i say.  If you know me, why I act the way that i act.

When i left hospice that early afternoon on July 24th 1999 I knew that was the last time i was going to see my father, Charles, alive.  Not to say he was responsive.  I had not seen that for weeks by then.  He had already spoke his last words to me less than two weeks prior.  I will never forget that moment, what he said and the strange factual, numerical sense that they make.  

The band i was in was playing Lupo's for our first (last) time.  It was some all day RI band fest that we had all been really excited for.  My father was the biggest support of me playing music.  He bought my first bass and paid for the lessons.  He would come to shows when he could considering he had retired shortly before that and living on the Cape running a bed and breakfast with his girlfriend.

That day we were scheduled to go on at 5:15 exactly.  It being a big strict club that is what we did.  the clock struck and we played.  As tears rolled down my face with the opening line to a song, "where do you run to when the world gets to you.." , my father was pronounced dead at 5:15.  He left to come see me one more time.  

I have wanted to be a father since i was young man (32 y.o now).  I wanted to be the person my father was able to be for me for at least the last half of my life with him. 

I am not really sure how to write for a blog or write at all.  I have known Craig and Mike for some time now through music/Prov/Boston and i always admired them doing this blog.  What i am going to talk about is not light hearted, advice or easy to write.  This blog has been about positivity and holding your sense of identity which is a great thing.  I am searching for both of these.  After all this time i need to say something and i hope in ways it can be enjoyable.  

Coen.  My Coen Charles.

As parents, we all imagined what our house/apt would be like having our little boy/girl running around, naked, half dressed or over dressed yelling things that make you and your partner laugh, smile or embrace closer.  That generalized idea of what happiness is and where it comes from.  The one moment i will always remember that made me know that this little boy will love me forever as i will to him.  We were playing around in a dept store while his mom was looking around.  We had already split up but spent time together.  I sat down in some comfy chair while Coen was pretending to hide.  Coen then ran up to me, climbed up on me pressed his face right in front of mine and looked me right in the eyes.  He gave the largest smile and looked at me and said I Love You with them. Coen was 1 and half.  

My experience is about disconnect to a bond and then recreating in a reversed role.  The hardships that come along with it and trying to find coping mechanisms.  I know there are others who can relate and i would love to hear feedback from these people.  If you have not then i hope my words can help if you ever have to deal with it or if your significant other/partner has to.  

Imagine Christmas morning !!!  Your child's first time blowing out the candles on his/her own.  Family members coming to meet your brand new baby for the first time.  The shining moments in your life and your child.

   

As wonderful and inspiring they were and continue to be they have been clouded.  No matter which occasion i eventually have to separate myself, find an empty room and i fall down and cry.  The feeling of being cursed.  Why is my father no longer here?  Why was he ripped away from me? Causing me to not be able to give him the physical gift of a grandchild he had been wanting in his last years of life. Then the tears really start coming..

heavy anxiety ridden breathing sets in....  crying becomes harder.  You do your best to not let anyone hear you especially Coen.  I have begged what ever higher being bequeathed our existence knowing it will never, ever happen.  Then it all gets worse.  

My life would be better with my father still here.  I would be a better person, to myself and others.

Coen is the brightest light i know.  He warms everyones heart.  So skinny and kind of tall.  He is only a pain when it comes to eating.  So super picky and goes back and forth with what he likes.  He is raised vegetarian and sometimes the only guarantee of him eating is pasta with raw broccoli and carrots.    I know so far all i have said is gloomy stuff.  There is definitely more than that.  My little boy loves to run.  When he was a little younger and used to getting carried he would ask to be picked up when tired.  I would instead say to him, Want to just run instead?!?!  He would get a big smile and we would race.  His energy level is astounding considering his eating habits.  He just started playing hockey and bowling lessons.  What an imagination he has too!  Coen will come up with these stories and character when playing with his toys or sing a song about not stepping on frogs then putting them in a crocodiles mouth.  Obviously not as hilarious when read, but i crack up every time i listen to it.  

I have made it a point to let him know who is grandfather was and how important he is.  Telling Coen what "Papa Charlie" liked and fun times we had together.  I feel you should keep a connection between your children and close relatives who are not with you anymore.  Having a sense of where you came from is important and can shape the decisions you make in life more than we realize.  For example, no matter my disdain for Dems at times, I will not vote republican because of their anti union stance.  I walked the picket lines of New England Telephone/Nynex when i was 7 years old along side my mother and father.  I've called someone out as a scab when they crossed that line.  That 17 week long strike helped in the eventual foreclosure of the house i grew up in.  My parents divorce also hurt keeping that house as well.  No matter i still know that collective bargaining is one of the best things to ever happen to the American working class and i am happy to have fought with my parents to protect it and other issues.  Coen will learn about this story one day and i hope it shapes him in a positive way as well.  

This is a strange introduction to my life as a young father but the background needed to be said.  I have a lot to say and talk about.  I hope you are interested.  I hope i can continue this.  Welcome.

I was the youngest of 3 sons and i was the first to have a child.  A son.

Charles Leo created Mark Charles who created Coen Charles.  The Father and the Son.

Guest Dad: Jon Dixon

Hey everyone. My name is Jon Dixon. I'm 25 years old, I've been married for 3 years and have 2 children, Liam, two and a half years old, and Clara, 3 months old. Right now I'm getting my Master's degree in Marriage & Family Therapy and working part-time to pay the bills. I've known Craig since I was a teenager. Back then he was known as Camera Craig because he was always filming us skateboarding around town so we could try to get sponsored. After going to college, getting married and having two kids I have finally given up that dream, haha! When I found out Craig was starting a dad blog I was stoked because I think involved dads need to be in the spotlight to take away from the “deadbeat dad” stereotype. Contrary to our cultural assumptions, recent research has shown that children benefit incredibly from equal exposure to moms and dads.

Much to Craig's dislike, I have been trying to write this post since The Hipster Dad went up, to no avail. Part of the reason for this is that I think too much (downside of a degree in Philosophy!) and I am crazy busy with school, work and my internship. The bigger reason is that whenever I get free time, I spend it with my family. Soooo...what does being a “hip dad” mean to me. This post might just be me rambling on about my ideas but to me, being a “hip dad” is not being afraid to challenge stereotypes in order to pave the way for future generations to have a better family life. Sounds like a lot, right? To me, it's as simple as having fun with my kids and having an equal share in parenting.

Becoming a dad has been the most challenging and rewarding thing that has ever happened to me (although I would say marriage is equally challenging and rewarding). Juggling school, work, marriage and kids isn’t easy but somehow it just happens. Actually, being asked how I do it is probably the dad-question I get the most. I always give the same answer: my wife and I try our best, have fun and trust God will help us out when we need it. The things I love the most are taking the kids to the store with me and having an adventure, waking up early to hang with the kids and cook breakfast for my wife and going on family outings. Most recently, we went down to Rappahannock Cellars in Huntly, VA for a lunch date with Liam’s godmother. The weather was perfect (mid-60s) and the winery is family friendly so bringing the kids was a must. We sat outside, drank some wine and watched Liam run around and play in the grass. I couldn’t help but join him and we ran around and performed for all the other guests! My wife threw Clara in the Ergo and walked around, letting the sun shine gently on her face. After a few hours of grazing and sipping we watched the sun start to set and headed home. A fun trip turned into one of the best family afternoons we’ve ever had. 

I love being a dad. I want all dads to be able to be proud of their title. This could be as simple as not being afraid to throw on the Ergo or BabyBjorn, taking the kids to the park for some fun or just goofing around with them at home. I guess what I’m trying to say is that parenthood is all about bringing who you are into your role as “dad”; kids just want us to be ourselves and spend time with them. #OccupyFatherhood

"Fart Spray" by: Christopher Swanson

I have been begging one of my good friends Chris to contribute to THD for a few months now considering he's one of the coolest Dads I know. The other day I woke up to an e-mail titled "Fart Spray" in my inbox. Enjoy.

--------------------------------

Fart Spray.

          I like my kids sense of humor. Maybe I can relate to it so well because she’s five years old and that’s where I’m at mentally, I don’t know.  I do know that I was filled with pride the time she asked me what the words on my tape measure said.  When I told her it read “HEAVY DUTY” she burst out laughing.. I must admit, I was nonplussed.. she explained through guffaws, “You said ‘DOODIE’!” *more giggling “HEAVY DOODIE!” *falls on floor laughing. 

That’s my girl.

          So, last week, Ophelia informed me that she wishes to own a “case filled with pranks”.  I can’t say what spurred this, presumably it was the influence of some snappy cartoon show, perhaps SpongeBob, maybe Fishtronaut.. In any case, the idea instantly resonated with me, and I started to reminisce about all my favorite old joke shop pranks.  She was familiar with the hand-buzzer and kaleidoscope eye-stamp, both of which she planned (with my implicit approval) to ply on her old Portuguese grandfather.  I told her about the time I got my high school math teacher with the whoopie cushion and how we cleared out a laundromat with stink-bombs.  She was partial to the snakes in the peanut brittle gag, and of course the classic, fake poop.

          There really aren’t too many descent joke shops around anymore, the nearest ones are all at least an hour away, but every day Ophelia would bring it up, begging me to help start her collection.  Then it finally occurred to me that Spencer Gifts in the mall has a shitty little gag section, and it would most likely be enough to temporarily satiate her prank-lust.  The first round I allowed her one item.  She chose the “Mixed Nuts” gag, and for the next several days I was forced to play dumb, then act surprised when a squeaky snake came jumping out. After a while it got tiring and I would refuse the nuts. “Oh, are these roasted with salt, I prefer raw.” No, she would not accept that.  Just open the damn can and scream.  

          Eventually, we found ourselves back at the mall for more, this time adding the “Spearmint Gum/Finger Snap” gag, and the hand-buzzer to her “case”.  Having memories of all these old toys, I must comment on how shoddy and cheap they’re all made now.  They all bore the finger print of Chinese manufacturing, on the Spearmint Gum gag, was written “Always enjoy praticle joke!”<sic> In any case, she didn’t know the difference and was completely stoked on her new vocation as prankster.  (As a side note, while I was waiting in line at Spencer to purchase said pranks, I witnessed a woman buying brass Truck-Nuts on a credit card.  This, to me, was the epitome of consumer confidence.) 

          Now we have a nice little collection going, and we walk through the mall to Ruby Tuesdays, as she tries out her new tricks on me along the way.  At no time would she ever subject herself to any of them. The finger snap was o.k. to try on me,  but too scary to put her own precious little finger into.  The same goes for the hand-buzzer.  So, we sit down in a booth and the waitress comes over to take our order. I figure, I’ll give the waitress a chance to earn a better tip, by playing along.  I give her a big deliberate wink in case she’s a total rube, and offer her a stick of gum.  She gets me, and goes to accept the gum, when Ophelia suddenly dives in the way, “Nooo, it’s a trick!!”  Naturally, we all crack up laughing at my sweet, softhearted little girl.  Ophelia, satisfied at having saved the lady, went on to explain the ins and outs of all her pranks like Penn & Teller, giving away all the secrets.

          We enjoyed our dinner together, as we always do, and on the way out Ophelia stopped the waitress “And remember, if you see me with a can of mixed nuts... Watch out!”

p.s. Check out some awesome work by Chris's partner in crime: http://www.tsilvabarbosa.com

Guest Dad: Jared Blake (of GiveBackTime.org / Apollo Starfleet)

Hi.  I'm Jared Blake, and I'm the most recent addition to the hipster dad club.  I work two full-time jobs (I'm an Energy Advisor at Patriot Energy and a Director of Youth Programing at Saint Eulalia's Parish), I'm in college studying Economics full-time, I recently started a non-profit called GiveBackTime.org, I'm a lead guitarist in a band called Apollo Starfleet, but most importantly, I'm a father to the coolest and most beautiful girl ever.  Her name is Keira.

It’s so awesome to have somebody that I can love fully and completely without reservation and not expect anything in return.  If I had to give a definition on what being a true father or mother is, it would be that. 

I’ve had the lucky responsibility of being Keira’s dad now for almost three years!  As her birthday approaches next month, she’s getting more and more aware of it and increasingly excited about it.  She’s been preparing by asking for things in the stores.  Although turning three in itself is a huge milestone for both of us, this is a multi-layered event.  I’ve been lucky enough to work from home for her whole life, and have spent mostly every day with her since she’s existed.  The thought running through my mind is that her upcoming birthday brings the promise of her starting preschool, and the reality that I probably won’t have the same amount of time with her ever again.  Now, I know that sounds a bit dramatic, and believe me, my emotions feel it as such.  However, I knew this was coming, and I’m truly am excited for her.  It wouldn’t be right for me to hold her back for my benefit, and I always plan on pushing her to go out adventuring and exploring with or without me.

In the spirit of this blog about being a hipster dad, I bring this little experience up because of the paradox of parenting I’ve recently discovered for myself.  As cliché as it sounds, it’s something that has really hit home in my heart and is currently what I want to articulate.  To love someone regardless of your exact definition is a positive thing.  The act of it though, doesn’t always return such a joyous feeling.  Keira is the type of kid that I have to remind to give me a kiss before I leave her somewhere.  I get it, she’s excited about whatever it is that she will be doing, but it sometimes makes me feel unimportant in her life.  Of course, I know that’s not true.  But what’s going to be hard is sticking with my plan to love her correctly when she gets older and her actions become more defined and rebellious.  Those actions start out right now when she doesn’t say goodbye as I drop her off at preschool; soon it will be sleepovers – camp – articulated and well defended arguments – and then the first time she says “I hate you.” 

I have tattoos, I play the guitar, I rock at hide-and-seek, and I try to be fashionably philanthropic, but what I feel actually makes me a hip dad is my dedication to my daughter  and the unwavering discipline I expect of myself when I’m truly loving her.  Not loving her because she loves me in return, but really loving her so that she can succeed in her life and know deep in her heart that no matter what, I’ll always support her. 

-Jared Blake

Guest Dad: Matt Ferreira

In the early days of hip hop, one of the defining characteristics of the music consisted of a production technique called sampling. The instrumental or “beat” was actually a collage of sounds taken from various pieces of music, television, movies, or any media that contained audio. This collection of previously existing sounds would then be skillfully arranged and weaved together to create a fluid, rhythmic, original piece of music. Think of the saying “the whole is greater than the sum of its parts”.

I relate to this art form when I think of the family I’ve created for myself. My name is Matt Ferreira, 25, from New Bedford, MA. When my wife Leah and I started dating in November 07, she had two children from previous relationships—Xavier (then 3, now 6) and Nancie (then 2 now 5). To make a long story short, Nancie went to live with her father for what was supposed to be a temporary stay that ended up turning into a three year custody battle to get her back and I ended up adopting Xavier who had never known his biological father much like I had never known mine. In March 2009, my son Matthew Jr. was born and my daughter Azaria came soon after in August 2010. A few months ago, Leah’s custody battle finally came to an end and Nancie now lives with us—all the sibs together full time at last. And since she hasn’t seen or talked to her dad at all after that last court date, I’ve become more of a stepFATHER than a STEPfather.

So, to re-cap—I have an adopted kid, a step kid, and two biological kids all under the same roof with my wife and I. Potentially, it could be a disastrous, life-scarring scenario for these kids, with some feeling less loved than others. But through truly knowing our children and what they need to feel stable, Leah and I are able to make all the elements of our family weave together seamlessly like a DJ Premiere beat. And I don’t mean that we’re the perfect family where everyone gets along all the time and there are no problems. What I mean is that our problems do not include our kids feeling like they’re part of the family to greater or lesser degrees than one another.

The key ingredient to making this work is of course sincerity. For all our children to feel equally accepted they must actually be equally accepted by both adults in the house. Seeing that Leah is the biological mother of all of our children, our family structure mostly depended on my degree of acceptance of the two children she brought into my life in the beginning. It’s funny, but I remember being really little and hearing my adoptive parents arguing with some lady, I don’t remember who, about whether or not a child is really yours if it’s not your flesh and blood. Now that I’m an adult with both children I made and some that I didn’t, I can finally say with confidence that the lady was wrong. The fact that you made a child is only one reason to love them, and while it’s a good one, there’s still plenty of others which could apply to any child—it’s all about whether or not you choose to do so.

Another thing that I feel helps is that there are no step or half brothers and sisters in our home. Our children are taught that they are brothers and sisters, period. They live in the same house, follow the same rules, and sit at the same table to eat the same dinner at the same time, so I can think of no good reason to distinguish their sibling-ship to one another with prefixes. My wife and I treating them all with equality as parents only holds so much weight if they don’t follow suit in the way they view each other. Plus, we can’t go one dinner without someone saying with a mouth full of food “Look, I’m beating you guys at eating!” so I can imagine what a daily “I’m More Mom and Dad’s Kid Than You Are” competition would be like. Yeah, no thanks.

So, that’s my family—four children, two parents, mad love. There’s some families out there in similar circumstances who are different than mine in that they have boundaries and separations, and if that’s what works for them, that’s great. My wife and I on the other hand have always felt it was best for our household to exist as a whole. We want to live, grow, and function as a full-fledged family rather than six people who are associated solely by the fact that two of those people are in a relationship. You won’t ever hear me say “Honey, can you tell your kid to stop leaving the bathroom light on?” I’m the dad in our house—I’ll handle it. 

GUEST DAD: Pete Fazio (of DadAnd.com)

Hi everyone, I'm Pete. I write a blog called dadand.com with my buddy Marty. Our blog is a mashup of all things dad-, and dude-related. DIY, repairs, cars, gadgets, whatever. We like to teach our kids about the way things work and how to fix stuff and explain the world as best we can.

While we ARE a "dad blog" we're not really a get-really-sappy-about-our-kids-so-the-mom-bloggers-get-all-weepy kind of blog. We normally leave the sap to the other 6 million dad blogs, BUT NOT TODAY. Today is a worldwide internet exclusive.


Today I AM going to get sappy about my little bean, Julia. She's called peaches, bean, burger, turkey, tofu burger, J, J-bird, JJ, the list goes on. But after 4 years it's sort of landed on "J".

"Julia sitting on me. No joke, she peed on me like 10 seconds after this pic was taken."

On being a single dad

I've been a single dad for over 2 years now. Time is split 50/50 with her mom. She has no recollection of her me and her mom being married or being in the same house at all. One time after telling her that mommy loves Elvis she actually asked me "Why do you know so much about my mommy?". It's brought Julia and I so close that it's not even funny. We're best buddies, she completely trusts me in every aspect, and she also knows that even though we're buds, what I say goes, and when it's time to get serious and listen to dad she does it without (much) question.

"Hanging in Cape Cod. Photo by mom."

Daddy/daughter adventures

She's a great traveling buddy. We're always on some kind of adventure, it could be anything from going to plays, music shows, to our favorite: friday night trips to the Strong Museum of Play in Rochester, NY to something as simple as a trip to the store. We make it fun and make it a mission. She also loves helping me build and do DIY projects, like this treehouse I made from reclaimed deck wood.

"Going whale watching. yes she puked everywhere."



I've seen her grow in so many awesome ways. She loves art, music, nature, bugs, toads, everything. She's fearless. She loves food and trusts that if I ask her to try something that it's worth it. She'll at least give it a shot.

Any dad rants?

YES. Dads, stop yer bragging.

It  kind of bugs me when dads pat themselves on the back for doing stuff like doing tea parties and painting finger and toenails. It's just stuff you do when you love your child. It's expected. I'd almost go as far to say if you're pointing that stuff out then you're kind of saying it should be "woman work" and you're some great guy for "helping out the wife".

Any advice?

I always hesitate to give others parenting advice but If I were going to (and UH OH, it sounds like I'm about to right now), I'd say:

1. Let your kids make mistakes, get dirty, and get a bump on the head once in a while. I think of J like a little lion cub. She's going to poke around in the yard and explore and get dirty and pick stuff up she shouldn't and climb on stuff she shouldn't and fall down. GOOD. I try to be as poised as possible to let her explore freely and swoop in when my spidey-senses start tingling.
2. Don't baby talk to your kids. We've talked to J like an adult since she was born and the kid has an amazing vocabulary and can have a conversation.
3. Make them try new things every day. Food, music, games, toys. I know kids love routine and listening to the same CD over and over, and could eat chicken fingers every day, or tofu fingers, or whatever people are eating now-a-days, but damn man, break them out of that mold. There's nothing more annoying than an adult who won't eat this and won't eat that and picks the tomatoes out of their salads.

Oh, I'm tired of reading my own words and quite frankly I zone out when reading other parents write about parenting so I'm going to peace out. Of course we're always available for any kind of manly advice over at dadand.com and always would love some followers on twitter.com/dadandblog, or likes on FB: facebook.com/dadandblog.

Pete

Read this interview we did for "Feature Friday" !

We just did an interview for our new friend's the Cox Family Blog! Check it out by clicking the screenshot below! We will have a few new posts for you this weekend sorry we slacked last week!

GUEST DAD: Tyson Stiles (Cleveland, OH)

I am Tyson Stiles, a 30 year old single, soon-to-be married, father of the hippest 4 year old boy ever, my son Trynter.  We are from the Cleveland, OH area, which basically means we spend most of our time indoors staying dry, shoveling snow, playing Batman and Robin, making music, and wrestling.  This is a little post about what it means to me to be a father.

Someone once told me that kids just want your time.  It’s really that simple; give your sons and daughters your time.  In our life that means dressing up for Halloween together, dive bombing off of my bed (no major injuries…yet), or maybe veg’ing out and playing some video games.  The activity itself doesn’t really matter; what matters is that we spend time with our children.    

Being a single father has had its rough moments and I do believe it’s helped in creating a huge bond between my son and I that may not have been as strong otherwise.  We’ve now spent many hours together over the past 3 years and that bond grows tighter and tighter every day.  Just recently I was finally able to bring Tryn with me to one of my band’s concerts (we played a youth retreat…he doesn’t go to the bars with me!) and we had a total blast.  It was such a special moment for me to look out in the crowd and see my son dancing with a glow stick waving above his head, rocking out to his dad’s tunes.  Want to know the best part though?  When we’re driving along, heading to wherever, I hear this four year old voice in the backseat of my car saying “Hey Dad?  Remember your concert where you played guitar and I was dancing?  That was super cool”.  My heart melts because I know (since I was a son once myself…) that specific memory is burned into his soul.  

Dads:  we are larger than life to our children.  Our sons and daughters will never have a bigger influence in their lives, no greater impression will ever be made, and no one could possibly replace you.  Continue to be there for your children, be the sidekick, be the punching bag, and be the largest person at the tea party.  Most importantly, continue to be there.

If you'd like to read more from Tyson please visit his blog "Live.Love.Appreciate". Tyson is also in the band The Hearts which rule, check em out!