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"Fart Spray" by: Christopher Swanson

I have been begging one of my good friends Chris to contribute to THD for a few months now considering he's one of the coolest Dads I know. The other day I woke up to an e-mail titled "Fart Spray" in my inbox. Enjoy.

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Fart Spray.

          I like my kids sense of humor. Maybe I can relate to it so well because she’s five years old and that’s where I’m at mentally, I don’t know.  I do know that I was filled with pride the time she asked me what the words on my tape measure said.  When I told her it read “HEAVY DUTY” she burst out laughing.. I must admit, I was nonplussed.. she explained through guffaws, “You said ‘DOODIE’!” *more giggling “HEAVY DOODIE!” *falls on floor laughing. 

That’s my girl.

          So, last week, Ophelia informed me that she wishes to own a “case filled with pranks”.  I can’t say what spurred this, presumably it was the influence of some snappy cartoon show, perhaps SpongeBob, maybe Fishtronaut.. In any case, the idea instantly resonated with me, and I started to reminisce about all my favorite old joke shop pranks.  She was familiar with the hand-buzzer and kaleidoscope eye-stamp, both of which she planned (with my implicit approval) to ply on her old Portuguese grandfather.  I told her about the time I got my high school math teacher with the whoopie cushion and how we cleared out a laundromat with stink-bombs.  She was partial to the snakes in the peanut brittle gag, and of course the classic, fake poop.

          There really aren’t too many descent joke shops around anymore, the nearest ones are all at least an hour away, but every day Ophelia would bring it up, begging me to help start her collection.  Then it finally occurred to me that Spencer Gifts in the mall has a shitty little gag section, and it would most likely be enough to temporarily satiate her prank-lust.  The first round I allowed her one item.  She chose the “Mixed Nuts” gag, and for the next several days I was forced to play dumb, then act surprised when a squeaky snake came jumping out. After a while it got tiring and I would refuse the nuts. “Oh, are these roasted with salt, I prefer raw.” No, she would not accept that.  Just open the damn can and scream.  

          Eventually, we found ourselves back at the mall for more, this time adding the “Spearmint Gum/Finger Snap” gag, and the hand-buzzer to her “case”.  Having memories of all these old toys, I must comment on how shoddy and cheap they’re all made now.  They all bore the finger print of Chinese manufacturing, on the Spearmint Gum gag, was written “Always enjoy praticle joke!”<sic> In any case, she didn’t know the difference and was completely stoked on her new vocation as prankster.  (As a side note, while I was waiting in line at Spencer to purchase said pranks, I witnessed a woman buying brass Truck-Nuts on a credit card.  This, to me, was the epitome of consumer confidence.) 

          Now we have a nice little collection going, and we walk through the mall to Ruby Tuesdays, as she tries out her new tricks on me along the way.  At no time would she ever subject herself to any of them. The finger snap was o.k. to try on me,  but too scary to put her own precious little finger into.  The same goes for the hand-buzzer.  So, we sit down in a booth and the waitress comes over to take our order. I figure, I’ll give the waitress a chance to earn a better tip, by playing along.  I give her a big deliberate wink in case she’s a total rube, and offer her a stick of gum.  She gets me, and goes to accept the gum, when Ophelia suddenly dives in the way, “Nooo, it’s a trick!!”  Naturally, we all crack up laughing at my sweet, softhearted little girl.  Ophelia, satisfied at having saved the lady, went on to explain the ins and outs of all her pranks like Penn & Teller, giving away all the secrets.

          We enjoyed our dinner together, as we always do, and on the way out Ophelia stopped the waitress “And remember, if you see me with a can of mixed nuts... Watch out!”

p.s. Check out some awesome work by Chris's partner in crime: http://www.tsilvabarbosa.com

We survived Hurricane Irene!

So as most of you know Hurricane Irene came through the Northeast this past weekend. Saturday morning was spent running around buying batteries, water and non-perishable foods and then Sunday was spent hiding indoors from the wind and rain. Boston didn't get hit too hard BUT a near by tree did fall and narrowly miss our front porch! When it fell it took down every wire in sight and most of our street has been without electricity for a full day now. We put all of our food in a cooler and headed to our friend's house for dinner and to charge our precious iPhones. Once home we put the baby to bed and snuggled up and read books by candle light. All in all not a bad weekend.

Guest Dad: Jared Blake (of GiveBackTime.org / Apollo Starfleet)

Hi.  I'm Jared Blake, and I'm the most recent addition to the hipster dad club.  I work two full-time jobs (I'm an Energy Advisor at Patriot Energy and a Director of Youth Programing at Saint Eulalia's Parish), I'm in college studying Economics full-time, I recently started a non-profit called GiveBackTime.org, I'm a lead guitarist in a band called Apollo Starfleet, but most importantly, I'm a father to the coolest and most beautiful girl ever.  Her name is Keira.

It’s so awesome to have somebody that I can love fully and completely without reservation and not expect anything in return.  If I had to give a definition on what being a true father or mother is, it would be that. 

I’ve had the lucky responsibility of being Keira’s dad now for almost three years!  As her birthday approaches next month, she’s getting more and more aware of it and increasingly excited about it.  She’s been preparing by asking for things in the stores.  Although turning three in itself is a huge milestone for both of us, this is a multi-layered event.  I’ve been lucky enough to work from home for her whole life, and have spent mostly every day with her since she’s existed.  The thought running through my mind is that her upcoming birthday brings the promise of her starting preschool, and the reality that I probably won’t have the same amount of time with her ever again.  Now, I know that sounds a bit dramatic, and believe me, my emotions feel it as such.  However, I knew this was coming, and I’m truly am excited for her.  It wouldn’t be right for me to hold her back for my benefit, and I always plan on pushing her to go out adventuring and exploring with or without me.

In the spirit of this blog about being a hipster dad, I bring this little experience up because of the paradox of parenting I’ve recently discovered for myself.  As cliché as it sounds, it’s something that has really hit home in my heart and is currently what I want to articulate.  To love someone regardless of your exact definition is a positive thing.  The act of it though, doesn’t always return such a joyous feeling.  Keira is the type of kid that I have to remind to give me a kiss before I leave her somewhere.  I get it, she’s excited about whatever it is that she will be doing, but it sometimes makes me feel unimportant in her life.  Of course, I know that’s not true.  But what’s going to be hard is sticking with my plan to love her correctly when she gets older and her actions become more defined and rebellious.  Those actions start out right now when she doesn’t say goodbye as I drop her off at preschool; soon it will be sleepovers – camp – articulated and well defended arguments – and then the first time she says “I hate you.” 

I have tattoos, I play the guitar, I rock at hide-and-seek, and I try to be fashionably philanthropic, but what I feel actually makes me a hip dad is my dedication to my daughter  and the unwavering discipline I expect of myself when I’m truly loving her.  Not loving her because she loves me in return, but really loving her so that she can succeed in her life and know deep in her heart that no matter what, I’ll always support her. 

-Jared Blake

OUR MAINE ADVENTURE: DAY 3 / MONDAY

Sierra decided letting us sleep in one day on our vacation was enough and we were the first ones awake, showered and dressed on Monday morning. Unfortunately Uncle Brian had to go back to work but the rest of us decided to head out to Hallowell & Portland. If you live in Maine or vacation there you NEED to visit this little town. Hallowell is a hidden gem full of independently owned book stores, record stores, antique stores, coffee shops, bars and restaurants all lined by brick sidewalks. We are sure to visit every time we go through Maine.


FAVS:


Hallowell Antique Mall - Awesome finds from jewelry to furniture and everything in between and best of all it's all priced very affordably. This place is HUGE, do not miss it.


Francesca's - My favorite italian place I have ever eaten, and I live in Boston home to "The North End" (look it up). Delicious food, affordable, fancy but not so fancy you can't bring your toddler and the cooks are more than happy to adjust the menu to suit your (vegan) needs.

Timmy & Sierra getting some kisses in while we loaded up the car.

Left: A super cool antique shop on Water St. / Right: The main 'strip'

As you may know, we love owls, including this huge wooden one we found out side of a shop. Here is my father and (most of) his grand children.

Sierra and Cora waiting patiently while all the adults fueled up on some coffee at Slate's Restaurant & Bakery

Mama and Sierra outside the Hallowell Antique mall.

Some awesome hand planers & a vintage pram stroller.

Tim & Papa looking at the 'pricier' objects.

Braid Twins walking down Water Street.

Sierra showing Papa here pretty 'flower' she got at the Chinese restaurant.

Papa giving Sierra a little kiss. LOVE THIS PHOTO!

After we hit up just about every shop and filled our bellies on some Chinese food we rat packed my sister's Jeep once again and headed for Portland. My (generous) sister wanted to buy Sierra a Build-A-Bear and let her choose any outfits/accessories she wanted as a 2nd birthday gift. So back on the highway we went headed for the Maine Mall. Once at the Mall it was what you'd expect - a Mall. Nothing too exciting BUT the Build-A-Bear store was really neat. I had never been to one and it was fun watching Sierra pick an animal, get it stuffed, put a heart in it and choose clothes and accessories. The staff was super friendly and had this whole spiel about rubbing the heart on your cheek and kissing it so your animal would have love, sort of cheesy but super cute for Sierra. Awesome gift!

Some of the bears (and other animals) you can choose from! / Sierra picked a cat which she named "Kitty". Even though Kitty was brand new he needed a shower and a scrub of course!

Sierra searching for accessories + typing in Kitty's info for his birth certificate.

After the mall we headed to downtown Portland and explored some shops. I had only been to Portland once before and it was just to grab a quick bite so it was exciting to walk around and check it out a bit more slowly with some "Mainer" tour guides (a.k.a. my sister). 

Sierra and Mama cruising around Portland.

Love this shot of my newphew and Dad in Portland!

Everyone was getting pretty pooped / hungry for dinner at this point so we stopped to relax (and inspect the grass).

Once back at my sister's house it was time to chase the chickens around a bit more.

A little blurry but i LOVE this photo that Mama took right before we left.

So thats about it for our Maine 3-day vacation. The best part EASILY was watching Sierra play with her cousins. She's a whole year older than the last time we visited so she was able to play, keep up and talk to them (sort of). It was fun watching my nieces follow her around and want to help Lauren get her dressed and comb her hair, sort of like a big doll. The next time we visit can't come soon enough.

OUR MAINE ADVENTURE: DAY 2 / SUNDAY

Sunday morning we got to sleep in! Sierra didn't wake us up until 9AM! After everyone woke up, got dressed and ate some breakfast we loaded up the truck, hitched the boat and headed to the lake. Last year we went out on the lake with Sierra when she was about 10 months old and she was less than enthused. This year was a whole new ball game. She begged to put her life vest on instead of fighting against it tooth and nail. Once we were on the lake she loved it and Uncle Brian even let her honk the horn and drive the boat. Once in the middle of the lake we killed the engine made some sandwiches and swam a little. Check out this cute 30 second video of our boat ride :-)



After a few hours on the lake everyone was very tired so we headed back to the house to cook up some dinner on the grill. We really wanted to have a fire in the yard with some drinks but it was POURING so we hit up a Red Box and had 'family movie night' after Sierra went to sleep. It was a wonderful day and night full of outdoors fun, good food and quality time spent with family.

Thursday Tunes #01 / Jay-Z & Kanye West "New Day"

Every thursday from now on I'm going to post a song that we've been jammin' around Hipster Dad Headquarters or that i just think you guys might like. For the first installment I bring you "NEW DAY" which appears on Kanye West / Jay-Z's collaboration album "WATCH THE THRONE". The song is a short one verse a piece song about how both rappers plan to raise their children. Really great tune about positive (future) dadism. 

WE WENT ON A DATE!!

Last night Lauren and I got to go out on a (very) rare date night! Although I love nothing more than listening to records and reading OLIVIA to Sierra every night, it's nice to escape the house and go out into the real world and be around adults once in awhile. We rented a ZipCar and along with our friend Ashleigh headed out to Great Scott which is a small rock club in Boston. One of our favorite musicians Tim Kasher was in town and we were all super excited to go out, have some drinks and check out some great music.


p.s.Thank you SO MUCH to our wonderful baby sitter Liz! (Follow her food blog here!)


In addition to the awesome line up, Tim decided to play his Cursive song titled "SIERRA"  which may or may not have had something to do with the naming of our child and which may or may not have been brought on by Lauren and I screaming "PLAY SIERRA! PLAY SIERRA!" from the side of the stage (yeah we were those people). Thanks to Ashleigh for whipping out the camera and getting it on video!

OUR MAINE ADVENTURE: DAY 1 / SATURDAY

It's nearing the end of the Summer and soon Lauren will have to go back to work and Sierra back to daycare so we figured it was time to escape the city for a bit since soon enough we won't be able to. My Father, or as Sierra likes to call him "Papa" had some vacation time saved up so we planned a little road trip to visit my sister in Maine.


All morning we told Sierra how we were going to see Aunty Sherrie, Uncle Brian, Timmy, Lexi and Cora. She was so excited and running around the house screaming "CORRRA" "CORRRA". This was a mistake on our part - we've learned to not tell her anything about future plans until they happen as it's hard to explain to a toddler that plans have changed. Well, the plan was for my father to pick us up in Boston at noon on Saturday and for us to drive the three hours from Boston to Augusta, ME. That was the plan anyway.


The day started well enough, Papa arrived at noon as scheduled but let us know the car was acting up. The wheel was very difficult to turn but he was sure that it just needed some power steering fluid. I got behind the wheel and gave Papa a rest and we drove to a nearby Valvoline and got some fluid. It worked perfectly... for about 30 seconds until all the fluid came gushing out and we were right back where we started. After a trip to an AutoZone and a local mechanic we found out the car was in rough shape. In the mechanic's exact words it was a "Horribly Expensive Shitty Situation". It wasn't just the power steering, and it was actually dangerous to drive, "It could possibly catch fire" said the mechanic and with that Papa dropped us off back at home and made his dangerous one hour trek home. Once home safely he called every car rental business in the city and everywhere was either closed or had a "don't leave the state" rule. We were feeling rather defeated until Papa decided to call HIS Papa and we were back in business in Sierra's great grandfather's sedan. By the time Papa got back to Boston and we repacked the car we were on the road at about 6PM. 6 hours later than we had planned but at least the vacation was still on! 


In my infinite wisdom I told Papa "We don't need the G.P.S! I know how to get to Maine, we just take 93N the whole way!". Well a couple hours later and no signs for Maine Lauren says "Weren't we supposed to get off 93N at some point? Maybe we should turn the GPS on?". Once we turned it on we realized we had driven two hours already and still had 3 and a half to go. Whoops. Our 3 hour drive had quickly turned into a 6 hour drive (Thanks to me). Sorry everyone. Sierra was very well behaved for being in the car so long and eventually we made it. We arrived at about 11:30PM a little later than planned but at least we made it! We gave hugs and hellos and hit the sack. Hopefully our vacation gets better than our first day!

Even though our trip was longer than expected it was fun spending time with my family on an adventurous road trip. Somewhere in New Hampshire we saw this heart shaped cloud.

"Happy Birthday Sierra" (a letter to my daughter)

Dear Sierra,

Two years ago today your Mother and I were in a hospital room awaiting your arrival. You came a couple of weeks sooner than we expected but that was just fine with us. After 21 hours you came into the world and instantly were laid upon your mothers chest and I laid down next to both of you. Seeing you for the first time was unlike anything I have ever experienced. The closest thing to putting in words the emotions that rushed through me the first time I held you is to say for the first time in my life I knew I had purpose.

The next two years went so fast I can hardly wrap my head around it. I have seen you go from a 6 pound 7.8 ounce infant who could barely open her eyes to a gorgeous six month who rolled all over the house and would chew on anything in sight. I remember when you turned one and all your friends and family gathered in a near by park in Somerville where we lived at the time. By that time you were already walking and playing. This is where your personality really started shining through.

The next year brought all sorts of changes. Our family moved and you got your own room and only wanted to sleep in your own room ever since. Even though it broke Mama and I's heart to give up co-sleeping we did because we think it's important for you to have choices. This would be one of the first big choices in a series of choices you have already made that have shaped who you are. From the clothes you wear and the food you eat to the toys you play with. You are opinionated, original and creative and I love that about you.

Today you are two. I find myself being struck with many different kinds of emotions, much like on the day you were born. The emotion that I am most overcome with though, is love. I love you. I love hearing you tell me you love me (which you do more and more these days). I love watching you paint and draw and make things out of Play-Doh. I love when you learn new words and I even love you when you then repeat that word 5,000 times in 10 minutes. I love when I say "Just one more book." and you hold your little fingers up and say "Two?" - I always give in. I love when you jump on me in the morning and I love when you learned to say "Soccer Ball". I love everything you do and are and I love you more and more each day. 

Love,

Daddy

A quick snapshot taken of Sierra on her 2nd birthday. (photo by mom)